An Imprecatory Prayer for Glorious Leader

I would like for someone to visit upon you
All the pain you’ve given others;
But that would not reach you.
You would simply curl in on yourself even more,
Justifying yourself to yourself,
Inflicting hell on others
Because you are in hell.
The cruelest prayer I can pray for you
Is that you would have an experience
Of pure joy:
The kind of joy that makes you unfold yourself
That makes you regret
Every second of your precious life
Wasted in contempt
And lies
And harm
Every second you resisted
Love you couldn’t earn or buy.
I hope this joy breaks your heart.
I hope it hurts
And hurts
With an exquisite grief
For a long time
In the best possible way;
Until it is swallowed up again
By the joy that unfolds you.
You don’t deserve such grace,
Such a garden-variety conversion experience.
Nobody does.
And that’s why,
Little one,
This prayer
For you, especially unspecial,
Is the cruelest one of all.
Amen.

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