Hippocampus’s Performance Review

 

 

Hey, Dave, how’s it going?

Uh… hello Hippocampus. Fine, I guess.

Hey, that’s great to hear. Feeling happy? Generally unbothered?

…Until now.

Hey, that’s super. Great to hear it. What are you doing right now? Getting something done? Writing something?

I was, yes.

Wow, writing is great. Takes a lot of concentration, yeah? Don’t seem to have much on that page, though. It looks kinda blank—

Look, do you mind? I’m kinda busy.

Oh, hey, I get it. The direct approach, right? That’s what I like about you, man, you’re a straight shooter. Okay, I’ll get to the point. Me and Amygdala were talking.

Indeed.

Yeah, I’ve been going through these memory files. You know, there’s a whole drawer of folders labeled “Embarrassing Memories from Adolescence.” Anyway, here’s one file I thought we should probably review. Take a look at this memory right here.

Oh, God.

Yeah, that’s some amazing detail, isn’t it? Auditory and visuals are crystal clear. You remember that part? And what you said? And what you probably should have said instead? Man, that stings. So cringeworthy. Wow, are you sweating? That’s a lot of sweat.

Please stop.

I’m just saying you sure sweat a lot. Well, so Mygs and I were just wondering if you and that big ol’ smart mammalian Cortex of yours there had any, you know, any lessons you could learn from this. Again. Since the last time we reviewed this memory. Or the time before that. Anything at all? You have any ideas, any takeaways, apart from a general feeling of shame and worthlessness? 

No. No I do not. Not last time. Not this time. Not next time. Why do you keep doing this?

Why? Oh, you know, it’s important to do occasional reviews of how badly it is possible for you to mess up. We’re just trying to help you survive, man, like we’ve been doing for millions of years, and for that we need to do, you know, occasional performance reviews while you’re awake. This is our schtick, man! Learn from your mistakes and stuff, or be doomed to repeat them.

That was thirty-five years ago!

Hey, we’re millions of years old, big guy. Thirty-five years is an eye blink. If we didn’t do our jobs for your ancestors, you wouldn’t even be here, right? These performance reviews are essential. So let’s look at this part in slow motion. Look right there. See that part? Wow, that was pretty dumb. That feels bad, right? Here’s some salt and lemon juice to rub right in that wound. Yeah, massage that in there, baby. That hurts pretty bad, right?

Can we be done please?

Oh, hey, man, sure, we can do this, you know, some other time when you’re less sweaty. I mean less busy. Like, next time when you’re folding laundry or about to make a speech or sitting at a traffic light. Don’t worry, dude! We know how to be patient and wait for your attention. We’ve got, like, buckets of shame and guilt on hand whenever you need. 

Gee, thanks. Thanks so much. I think you know the way out.

Okay, yeah, I’ve got this other folder labeled “Irrational Remorse” here that I’ll just hang on to until our next review.

Goodbye.

And this other folder with the title “Jr. High Dances.” Hey, you sure you don’t want to see what Mygs and I found special about that?

Leave. Now.

Oh, right. No worries, man! We’ll check in with you later! You and Cortex have fun writing!

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