Karmic Prayer

“Dear God, please forgive me. It was wrong to wish death on that person.”

“No worries kiddo! Your wish is granted, BTW.”

“What!? No, I take it back.”

“Too late! Yep, he’s definitely going to die. 100% chance of it.”

“……Ah, I get it. Yeah, not funny.”

“Oh, no, it’s actually hilarious, cosmically speaking. I mean, tragic, too. You’re gonna die, as well, FTR. It’s kind of a package deal.”

“But not because I wished it on someone else.”

“No! Not really. …Well …maybe a little bit.”

“This shared mortality thing is supposed to make me have empathy for my enemies, is that it?”

“What kind of monster do you take me for? And yes.”

Women of the Bible (Lyrics)

I don’t actually have a verse about Judith (in the picture above), but I should write one. I’d envisioned this with a sassy lounge jazz tune, minor key for the verses, major for the chorus (so the chorus sounds a bit like “Jesus loves me.”)

I was inspired to write it because the main thing people know and want to discuss about Bathsheba is whether she was David’s victim, seductress, or paramour; but one of the most fascinating stories about her is how she and Nathan hoodwinked the Old Man into making her son the heir to the throne. I was trying to figure out how to disrupt and refocus the narrative in the fewest words possible, and that led to this song.

Bathsheba
Very pretty
Know her story?
Just a little bitty:
Pulled some strings and she got her son
Sitting on the throne; now he’s king Solomon.

Miss Naomi
Was a widow
Taught Miss Ruth
How to use eye shadow
Instructed Ruth in feminine wiles
Now she’s singing lullabies to her grandchild.

[Chorus]
Strong women, these I know
For the Bible taught me so
Mothers, sisters; royal, tribal
Don’t you mess with the women of the Bible.

Queen Esther
In her palace
Had to deal
With ethnic malice
Saved her people from Haman’s plans
Now he’s swinging from a rope tied by his own hands.

Martha and her
Sister Mary
Education
Was primary
Now they’re sittin’ at Jesus’ feet
Buddy, make yourself a sandwich if you want to eat.

Chorus

Listen up now
brothers, sisters,
We got to have some
strong resisters
You don’t have to take any more malarkey
The day’s gonna end for the patriarchy

Chorus

SaveSave

The Gospel is a Joke

I don’t mean “the Gospel is a joke” in a pejorative way. I mean it in a metaphorical way:

• When you hear it, you either get it or you don’t.
• You can explain it and explain it and explain it and people will still not get it.
• Sometimes after years of not getting it, something happens in your life that makes you say, “Oh, now I get it.” We call this feeling an epiphany.
• You can tell by the quality of their laughter whether or not people get it. Some laugh along because they think they’re supposed to. Some assume that to be good, the joke must be at someone’s expense…
• …but the best jokes are not told at anyone else’s expense. The best presentations of the Gospel contain no malice or contempt.
• Sometimes you hear it so often you stop laughing. But maybe one day it sneaks up on you and you get it again, and you start laughing and can’t stop.
• Sometimes you laugh so hard it hurts. Sometimes you laugh through your tears.
• Sometimes you hear it and it’s not funny. Sometimes it’s the delivery. Other times it’s your attitude.
• Something about being with other people who get it makes you laugh that much harder. Sometimes a group of you start laughing and you can’t stop, because you keep each other going. These moments of joy are when you feel most strongly that life is good, that this is a slice of heaven, and you want it to never end.
• Sometimes when you try to tell it, it’s not funny. Usually it is because you are trying too hard. The best humor and the best Gospel emerges from being authentically human.
• When you tell a really good joke, nobody stops you by saying, “Yeah, I’ve heard that before,” because it’s worth hearing again.
• Sometimes you don’t laugh, but you smile inside.